The Jen Commandments (for Kiwi) - like the Constitution, this is a living document subject to whimsical modification

1. Never speak ill of Lord Beckham.

2. If you can't think of something nice to say, find something else to do with your mouth.
2a. I don't mind if you speak ill of others (excepting Lord Beckham), but you are not to speak ill of me. Or yourself.

3. If you're having trouble coming up with ideas of things to do with your mouth, I probably have a suggestion or two.

4. When you read my emails, you must read them knowing I'm smiling. Always.

5. Getting me all worked up over the notion of showing you my "charms" only to blow me off and let me know you'll just wait til sometime next week is naughty, naughty.

6. Your chair must be clear. Just in case.
6a. Failing that, your lap must be clear. Just in case.

7. I may fuck with your head every now and then, but I won't ever fuck with your heart.